My world

I'm not sure how I feel and I'm even less certain how I'm going to feel. I wanted Kaye to die, I wanted her to be free from suffering and pain, not to have to fight for breath continually, not to be cold all the time because there wasn't enough oxygen in her blood. I wanted her to be free of all that, to know what it was like to be fit and strong, to be able to walk by herself without having to hold on, to be able to laugh without coughing. No more watching the fingertips and the lips for signs of blue, no more listening to her struggling to breathe.

Well, I've got that now. That's all over with, it's finished. I have said my goodbyes, I have seen the coffin turned away from me, watched it go from my sight. I have chosen the spot for her rest, I have seen the place where we will lie together once more.

I was going to be so strong, so resolute, so masterful. I was going to be in total control of everything including my emotions. No more frustration for me, I would be free to get into the workshop, free to go out without worrying about when the relief carer would be leaving. I wouldn't have to lie there and wonder if her breathing would stop as it got shallower and fainter. Well, now I am free, I can go out to the workshop, I can take the bike out, I don't have to lie there and strain to hear her breathing any more. And I'd give it all up just for one more sight of her, the sound of her voice calling me just one more time. Sometimes it was dificult not to be irritated when she called me, but I was irritated not by her, but by her need of me. It was her illness, her pain and hurt, her dependance on me that was so very wrong. No one should ever be that reliant on another person

I was happy for myself to serve her, to meet her needs as best I could. It was another way I could show her that I love her, it was something that I could do for her. I was happier then than I am now. I am essentially a Mr Fixit, if something is wrong, then I have to repair it, I have to make it better. Well I couldn't make Kaye better, but I could care for her and look after her, I could see to her needs as best I was able. I tried very hard not to let her see my annoyance when she had to call me, but she was very hard to hide things from and she knew how I felt. But by getting her meals, by emptying the potty, by drying her after the shower, by helping her dress, by being with her, I was doing what I could to fix the situation.

But now there is nothing I can do, the situation has changed to the point where it is not fixable. I have no alternative but to live my way through it, and this I do not like. Inactivity is not natural to me, any action even a wrong action, is better than no action. Yes there are things to be done, and I have done some of them. I have organised the will and set that in motion, I have cleared out her wardrobe, I have given away some of her paintings, I have sent out thankyou letters to the card senders. But these things do not help me return to my world, they can't, for my world no longer exists, Kaye was my world and I have no world left. The boys have their jobs, John has his family, Geoff has his friends and where does that leave me? I do not begrudge them these things, they have earned them and they deserve them, but I have no job, I have no friends who call on me, I have no normal world to return to.

Different people have told me to call in anytime I want to talk, but that creates it's own problems. If I drop in, then I am afraid I will be in the road, I will be a bother and a nuisance. And if I call in it is because I want to see them, not because they want to see me. And that is what I want, I want other people to want to see me. Right now I want company offered to me, I want to be given friendship, not go out and take it. When I called in at Wonthaggi, I was terrified I would be a pest and a bother. If I was, then I never noticed it and I love those people even more because of that. One of the church familes invited me round for a specific function and I accepted gladly and joyfully. That was them wanting to see me, that was me being significant to them. And right now, that is what I desperately want. I was important to Kaye, now I am not. My world is empty and I dont know how to fill it up again

Dining Out

Kaye and I used to go out to dinner sometimes. We were both fussy about our food and she was a very good gourmet cook, so we were particular about where we went. The food had to be good. Good eating starts with careful selection of the right ingredients, and it went on to an understanding of what the cook is trying to create. Any fool can just sling hash and hope into a frypan in equal amounts. So over the years, we've come to have a short list of favourite places to eat. Not that there was much chance of eating out over the last couple of years, her failing condition saw to that.

But now that she's gone, I still would like to eat out sometimes and my standards have not gone, I still want good food. But I am not comfortable with the idea of dining alone, a special meal demands an equally special companion, company is the best sauce of all. It would be even harder to dine alone where we used to enjoy going together. I need a companion, someone who will appreciate good food and wine, can talk with a modicum of intelligence and who knows when to simply sit and be there in silence. Kaye would approve I know, we talked a few times about how life would go on for the other after one had gone.

I don't want to take two people, that destroys the intimacy of the dinner. My guest would have to be a woman to create the level of intimacy that I am looking for and all the women my own age that I would consider taking are married. Taking a husband along would spoil the closeness. Perhaps Micah would oblige, she is a lovely girl and I am fond of her. I would have to check with her parents though, we would be laying ourselves wide open to gossip and I do not want to cause her any discomfort. But there are those in the church who have far more time on their hands than is good for them and they would delight in having something to whisper about. I'll tell Tony and Margaret about it and get the OK from them first, then I'll ask Micah. I would enjoy her company I think. I could take her to Fidelles OK. She would know how to behave in such a place and in some ways Micah is a special girl and Fidelles was a very special place for Kaye and I.

For Kaye

Recognise your sorrow, mourn your grief, but
Do not regret my passing, nor seek to keep me from my journey on.
For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one,
So I return, a boundless drop to a boundless ocean.

And what shall I leave you, my good friends? I, who have neither gold nor silver,
Leave you those jeweled times when we laughed together,
The moments shared as our friendship grew.

And what shall I leave you, my children? You, whom I conceived in love and bore in pride,

shall take me in your hearts even as I have held you in mine.
Look with joy at those times when our togetherness was our delight
And our delight was our fulfillment.

And you, my beloved, what treasure have I for you? For we were born together and together we shall be forever more. How can we be parted, we, whose roots are so entwined. The memories of those moments when our souls met and explored each others boundaries. The waking of that love which lay, dormant and asleep, between us since time began. These things I leave to you. That moment in our dawning, our togetherness, when our love outshone the sun and bathed us in its warmth.